Confessions of an Unintentional Domestic Goddess

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Observations from the public swimming pool 2011

Today we made our first visit to our local swimming hole, I mean pool. It’s a really nice pool, compared to the one when i was growing up. The public pool available when i was growing up was an indoor pool that was also used for the high school swim team. It was filled with noisy obnoxious kids who had no place else to go in the sweltering heat. Today, the public pool has a beach entry, two diving boards, a kiddie pool, a splash pad, and two, count’em TWO water slides! it’s amazing!

Today’s version of people watching was not as interesting as the past, it wasn’t crowded. Which is a good thing, it was a perfect pool day: not too hot, not too crowded, and the water was still refreshing. Sometimes later in the summer, after too many days of 100+ to count, the water begins to feel like bath water. Call me crazy, but I’m not in for the public baths.

I realized today that if I did choose to wear a bikini again, I probably wouldn’t look as bad in it as I thought I would! I think the key is confidence and not caring what anyone thinks!

Anytime a guy just a bit older than me calls me ‘ma’am’ and asks me for the time, I need to get my hair done!

For all of those kids there, I don’t remember seeing many of them using the restroom, which makes me thankful for chlorine

Tattoos, the arm band type, don’t make a young guy look tough. I’m not even sure they make him look cool.

Like last time, there were tattoos on many people. There was a woman who looked like she could kick my husband’s ass, who had many in various locations, including on her neck (shudder). And then there was one that made me kind of giggle. You see name tattoos in essentially any spot, arm, neck, chest. The woman sitting on the chair next to me had “Wayne’ tattooed on herself. It was the location she chose that made me laugh. I think it was the ‘I love you, but not THAT much’ it was on her foot, close to where the toes bend.

I’ve heard it said that tan fat looks better than pale, white fat. While that may be true, I think some people should look in a mirror before leaving their house for the pool. There are some things in this world we are just not meant to see!

If your very small child of maybe 3 or 4 yrs, cannot swim, he will not, and I repeat NOT learn to swim by making him jump off the diving board in 12ft of water and encouraging him to swim to you. Nor will he learn to swim while trying to catch you in the shallows as you walk away from him watching the water slowly cover his head, and telling him to keep coming toward you. That makes you look like a total jerk and will only serve to traumatize said child.

When playing catch with a wadded up t-shirt, you’d better have good aim, because if you hit me again, I’m going to hold you under the water til you cry for your mama!

Every time we arrive after opening, the only chairs left are the wonky ones missing straps so my butt falls thru. You’d think I’d learn better!

Here’s hoping that next year, we have a pool of our own to enjoy. And if my children dare to even think of using the bathroom in it, they will be banished!

How do you spend your hot summer days?

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Observations from the swimming pool

It’s hot this summer. Stick-your-head-in-the-oven hot. For years I was convinced that I didn’t want a swimming pool unless we could afford the pool boy to go with it. Well, a few weeks of a heat index hovering in the 450F range will change your mind pretty quickly! but since we aren’t movie-star rich, for now we’ll just have to settle for a visit to our local city pool. 

It’s so much nicer than the pool we had when I was growing up. It doubled as the high school swim team pool, so it was set up with locker rooms and bleachers. It was enclosed and the noise levels in there would reach  the ear bleed level the minute it opened. Our public pool is really nice, it has the gradual, beach like entry, two slides, two diving boards, a kiddy pool and a splash pad. See what I mean! We love it! Yesterday I loaded my pair and a spare to hit the crystal clear coolness for a fun afternoon.

Ok, first I just have to say, the only coolness you get at this point in time is if you let yourself bake and get really toasty and then jump in. Otherwise, it’s bath water. I”m almost surprised they weren’t handing out bars of soap on the way in!

I really like people watching and this is another good place to do that. Here are a few of my observations.

A guy sporting tattoos, nipple piercings and a beer belly, well, I don’t know exactly what to say. Kind of like a car wreck, you don’t want to look at him, but you can’t seem to look away.

The farther you are from high school, the younger the lifeguards look. I always thought they were so mature and grown-up. Ha ha! Yeah, for teenagers I guess!

You want your kids to stop spitting water on each other, and you, all you have to do is have them look around and see how many little kids are around and how many of them actually use the restrooms. Bet they don’t spit water any more!

If you’re saving a chair for someone, or just using the chair yourself, you need to put something on it, not just pull it closer to the chair with your junk on it, otherwise people like me are going to try to use it! Don’t get crabby when we do, k?

“Adult swim’ is ridiculous. The first 15 min of every hour, they blow the whistles and kick the kids out of the pool for  and adults only swim time. Stupid, really, I don’t think there were any adults there without children. HULLO, pool people! We don’t need adult swim time! We bring our kids to swim, we know they’re there! don’t call it adult swim when you really want it to be ‘snack bar break time’!

If you haven’t been in the sun all summer, use sunscreen, lots of it! And don’t forget to turn over! I saw one mom who was red on the front and white on the back. That’s no fun, and, well, not a good look! She looked like a half cooked hamburger!

If you’re older than about 20, a teeny, weeny, string bikini is hard to pull off.

Tattoos are everywhere! Man, I knew it had become really popular, but wow. The things you see on people are really incredible and odd. I could understand maybe your children’s b-day or something that’s really personal and sentimental like that. butterfly wings on your shoulder blades? A parrot on your hip? Barbwire around your bicep to make you look really tough (while eating a lollipop, chugging beer).  I thought once a very long time ago about maybe getting one. Long before they became so ubiquitous. But then I started thinking ahead, you remember I’ve told you about my brain vacations. I thought about when I’m an old granny lady and how they would look on skin like my grandmother’s, all wrinkled and hanging loose off my body. EEEWWW. And my loving grandchildren asking me what was the big dark blob on shoulder/hip/ankle. it makes me shudder just thinking of it! Two of my best friends have them, in very private and inconspicuous locations. That’s their gig. Not for me, thanks!

One more thing. If you are at a swimming pool with children, you are going to get wet, so just deal with it! It really makes me shake my head when I see the mom with the hair/makeup perfect getting upset because someone splashed her. Really? You are at a public swimming pool and don’t want to get wet? You are so in the wrong place!

Oh yeah, we just realized school’s starting in about a month! I don’t know if I should be sad that summer’s nearly over, or jumping with joy because it’s nearly over!