Confessions of an Unintentional Domestic Goddess

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29 Things New High School Grads Need to Survive

I work in a high school. I don’t remember ever being as young as the kids are in my school, but clearly, I was at some point. I mean, it’s not like I could skip an age, right? No matter how badly my daughter might wish it. No matter how badly I wished it once upon  a time. It’s pretty comical now. I used to ask my mom why she waited so late to have me, why couldn’t I have been born when she was younger, that way I’d be older already. I know, I know. Now I see the fallacy in my thinking. Never, and i mean N.E.V.E.R. try to grow up too fast. Life will pass you by in the blink of an eye and before you know what’s happened, someone with gray hair and wrinkles will be looking back at you from the mirror and saying, ‘What the hell happened?”

So, in celebration of my 29th high school graduation, I wanted to share 29 things I learned with the newly minted high school graduates.

1. Do what you say you’ll do. Don’t commit to something and then back out or change your mind. You’ll look like a flake and no one will belive you next time around if you make a habit of it.

2. Accept responsibility for what you do. You can’t blame someone else for what happens to you.

3. You can only control yourself, and nothing and no one else. Try not to waste too much time and energy being upset over things that are out of your control.

4. Hug your mom and dad while you can. They’re the only ones you’ll ever get and they won’t be here forever.

5. Don’t gossip. It is a form of character assassination, for the gossiper, not the subject of gossip. If it isn’t your news, don’t share it. You’ll make many more friends this way.

6. People will hurt you. Don’t let that change who you are, but don’t be a doormat either.

7. Don’t be afraid of change. Without change, we can’t grow and find out who we’re meant to be.

8. Don’t tie yourself to people that make you unhappy or are negative. Life is too short and there will be plenty of your own struggles and drama, you dont’ want someone else’s.

9. Never, ever settle for less than what you want, especially when it comes to your love life.

10. The best things in life take work, alot of hard work, to achieve. Do the work, you’ll appreciate the result much more.

11. Don’t post things on Twitter or Instagram that you don’t want your parents, a college admissions counselor or future employer to see, because they will. 

12. If it’s online, it’s forever, even if you delete it.

13. Don’t ignore those little red flags that you feel in your gut, they will never steer you wrong.

14. As cliché as this sounds, everything happens for a reason. Just know it’s the way it’s supposed to be, go with it.

15. Karma has a long memory and she’s a bitch. Let go of the anger know that the universe will make the corrections and all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the show. It may take a while, but it’ll happen.

16. Your boss is paying you to work, not clock in & hangout. The more initiative you show at work, finding things to do when it’s slow, the better your odds of keeping your job for a longer period of time.

17. Work in retail or restaurants at least once. Just trust me on this one.

18. Say ‘Thank you’ and mean it.

19. Don’t be afraid to disagree with people, but don’t be mean and rude when you have discussions. Conversations with people who have different views or are from a different background can be quite enlightening.

20. Don’t judge a book by its cover. What someone looks like, may not be the whole story, get to know someone before deciding if  you like them or not.

21. Go to the dentist. Brush and floss your teeth every day. Unless of course you want to have dentures, and if that’s the case, don’t worry about the first part.

22. Always be true to who you are and don’t let someone else change you to suit their needs or desires. If you meet someone who makes you want to be a better person, that is a different story altogether.

23. Try new things, food or music or whatever. You never know, you might find a new favorite that you’ve been missing.

24. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

25. Be courteous on the roads and let people in. And always use your turn signals and seatbelt. They literally could save your life.

26. Nothing good happens after midnight. Ever.

27. Take care of yourself. You can pay now and play later. Or play now and pay later. If you want to be the cool granny/pops w/the kids at Disney, you can’t sit around now playing video games and eating cheetos all day. Eat well, exercise often.

28. If you’re going to do something, go all in. Don’t do it halfway.

29. Smile. Alot. 

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T.G.I.F.B.I.O.O.M.M.

Did you catch that? My title? I’m pretty sure you got the first part of it. Would you like me to share the rest? I’d love to. But first, you have to hear the story, well, stories, behind the title.

So, sit back, grab your popcorn, and get ready to spray beer/soda/coffee through your nose. Well, maybe not that funny, but pretty damn comical. You’ll see. A little background. I work at a local private high school answering phones, taking attendance. Fun stuff.

All of these things happened on Fridays. The names have been omitted to protect the innocent, or terminally dense people involved.

I answer the phone ‘Good morning. Can I help you?’
“Wure playing football thayre tomorra mornin. Y’all got a football field?’
Stunned, picking jaw up from the floor. ‘Yes sir, we do. It’s on the north side of the campus on 36th.”
‘Oh. Ah didn’t know y’all had a field. Y’all got bleachers and everthang?’
‘Uh, yes sir. We have bleachers. We even have a snack bar.’
‘Oh, alrahty the-in. Thanky.’
We didn’t always have a field. We used to play on other local high school fields. But that was in the late 80’s. And by the way, why would we rent out a field we didn’t even have? SMH

Same Friday. Only a bit later in the day.
It’s game day. We’re facing our biggest rival at home, our first home game of the season. Everyone is jazzed about it. It’s huge in our season. We have a pep rally. Remember those? Yep, they still happen. I mean, come on, it’s high school. It’s a requirement! My building is outside the fence of our school (long story) there are gates for pedestrians as well as vehicle traffic. The gates are closed during the day, but the pedestrian gates close, they don’t lock b/c students have to pass thru them to get to my building.

It’s time for pep rally. The cheer squad, pep squad, band and everyone who needs to be there early has already left the building. Save one. She’s beautiful. Very statuesque and just stunning. She’s stayed behind to change into her cheer uniform. She’s the last one and she’s marching with purpose to get to the gym before the flood of kids come out of their rooms. She walks out of the building, only to come right back with a bewildered look on her face.

“Did you forget something?’
looking at me wild-eyed and very concerned.
“The gates are closed!”
“Of course they are, they’re always closed during the day.”
“But how am I going to get through??”
Stopped me in my tracks. She was dead freaking serious.
“Do you see the cross walk? If you follow it, there is a gate that you can pass through.”
“Oh, ok. Thank you!” She says to me as if I’ve just given her the answers to her chemistry final.
Seriously, the ant trail was not there, she was used to following the herd of kids coming through the gate. She’s a very sweet girl, and I’m positive she’ll never have difficulty passing through the gate again!

The following Friday, we had a driving incident involving pedestrians and burritos. There were no major injuries, but I know two young men who will be the safest drivers around. All of which occurred after I’d arrived at work early. EARLY on a Friday. Only to spill coffee on myself, not a little, a WHOLE MUG, getting out of my car. Helluva way to start a Friday. I’d gone home to change clothes and one of my coworkers had come to cover my desk til I could get back. When I returned, there were police cars, an ambulance and fire truck. Can you imagine, she said she’d never cover for me again!

Last Friday, as I was locking up the building. It was well after dismissal, teachers and students were all long gone. A car pulls up and a young man pops out, sees me locking up and runs over to me.
“Can I get in?”
“What do you need? Everyone is gone.”
“I just need to get this to Mr. A.”
“He’s gone.”
“Oh. Ok, I’ll just leave him a note.”
“He’s GONE.”
“He’s gone?” bewildered look, as if he’s just noticed me standing there speaking to him.
“Yes, he’s gone. You can email him if you need to.”
“Oh, well, it’s nothing pressing.”

So….Friday. Yeah. I love ya, but man, could you cut me a break this time around?

Oh, right, the title. Are you ready? Here goes.
Thank God It’s Friday Because I’m Out Of My Mind

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What ‘They’ Say Really Is True

I’ll tell you all right now, this has nothing do to with cooking, well, at least not in my kitchen anyway. I try to never believe what ‘they’ say, because, well, who is ‘they’ anyway? is it the same ‘they’ who broke into my friend’s car? Or the same ‘they’ who say you can lose weight by taking a magic pill? Agh, it’s just too much for my tired little brain! I’m not naive and I’m a bit of a skeptic. Yes, I said it. I am, I tend to not believe every bit of info that’s passed my way until I research it to determine the truth or lie behind. Does that make me jaded?

I’ve heard what ‘they’ say about men and women not able to simply be friends. I never believed it. I mean, I’ve had many friendships with guys whom I didn’t try to put the moves on. But for some reason, I thought in my maturity (40something) things might have changed. Yep, I must be deluded.

What I’m about to share with you is a story about fishing, and I suppose the one that got away. I have a friend on Facebook that I’d been friends with in high school. To protect his identity from his wife (who’s an attorney and would kick his ass from here to next year) and my husband (who would then retrieve him from next year and kick his ass into the next galaxy), I’ll call him J. “J” and I occasionally chat on Facebook. Basically the boring junk: how are you, what are the kids up to, what’s going on, that kind of boring junk.

Until yesterday. He went fishing. And it went a little something like this
J: hey
me: hey what?
J: I never see you on here
me: because I”m not. I have a life.
J: do you have my cell?
me: no.
J: do you want it?
me: only if I need it
J: what’s that supposed to mean?
me: what do you mean what’s that supposed to mean?
J: I just thought maybe we could go to lunch.
me: oh, um, well, I don’t know how I feel about that. I think I”d feel kind of awkward going to lunch w/a guy who’s not my hubby.
J: ok, I”m cool w/that. It’s just that every time we run into each other, one’s coming and the other’s going. That’s why I thought it’d be nice to have lunch, we could have an actual conversation.
me: maybe we could all get together, I haven’t really gotten to talk to your wife, I’m sure she’s a really interesting person.
SILENCE……..

So, the ‘fishing’ expedition, yeah, landed a big fat nothing. I never really liked fishing, and I definitely don’t like it when I’m the catch of the day, and it’s not my hubby on the other end of that line! And I suppose it really is true what they say, men and women can’t just be friends. It’s not about women not being friends w/the guys. It’s the guys who can’t just be friends. And guys, I think you understand what I’m saying. Ladies, don’t believe he can just be your friend, b/c secretly I think he’s plotting and planning his attack.

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