Confessions of an Unintentional Domestic Goddess

Just another weblog

I can’t say I didn’t see this one coming

I wrote an earlier post about my BFF and how horribly I treated her boyfriend at Halloween and what a shmuck I felt like after. We never did get together to have dinner or anything like that.  From what she told me, he really wasn’t a very social person and didn’t like people. Um. Hello. You are one. Anyway.

Last week she asked me if I had a good recipe for German chocolate cake. Oh yeah I do! I’ve got a wicked good recipe for an upside down German chocolate cake that will make a lover of that cake out of anyone who tries it. I sent it to her and fully expected the result to be that he would drop down and kiss the ground she walks on. It’s really that good.

I sent her a text and asked if she’d made it yet and if he liked it. She said no, “I’m pissed at him, he’s being a butt”. Oh. Ok. I’m not a person to pry. I don’t like to be nosy, I know that if someone wants to share something with me, they will, when they want to, if they want to. I don’t need to know everything that goes on in someone’s life. I have enough to deal with on my own, thankyouverymuch.

I didn’t push her for details, and soon enough I got more than I expected. Apparently this guy, this very nice guy, who always seemed so appreciative of everything she did for him, treated her so sweetly, spoiled her in just about every way possible, has an ugly jealous and possessive side. I can’t say it’s a streak because when you threaten to ‘gut’ someone like a fish, that’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde kind of stuff.

So, here’s what went down. She has a male friend, one she’s had for nearly ten years, he has a thing for her, but they’ve never really dated, and he lives in a different state, oh, about a thousand miles away. This friend sends her texts occasionally,’how are you?”, “Sunny here, how about there?” things like that. Well Mr. boyfriend got all wound up and told her she needed to tell him to stop texting her. And it progressed from  there. She still hears from a couple of ex-boyfriends occasionally. She has no interest in seeing either of them anymore, and she can’t control what they do. She doesn’t always respond to their texts. But one sent her a text on Christmas, telling her “Merry Christmas’, which got Mr. boyfriend all in a twist, the nerve of someone wishing his ‘woman’ Merry Christmas!

He then proceeded to tell her she was not allowed to have any male friends that he didn’t know. She was not to get any texts from any of these men. He didn’t want to come to my NYE party, so she couldn’t come either, she had to stay at home with him. And at some point the words out of his mouth were, “You’re MY woman.” As if he had an ear tag on her or his name branded on her flank. Let me tell you, that really set her off.

Just a bit of background on my BFF. She’s been in abusive relationships in the past and she’s at the point in her life, she’s not going to let anyone tell her what to do, especially not some guy who thinks he owns her like a head of cattle. She let him have it with both barrels. She told him she pays the bill for the cell phone and she will talk to whomever she pleases, whenever she pleases and laid it all down for him. Then he made a comment along the lines of  ‘if anyone else touches you, I’ll gut him like a fish.’ That right there, ladies and gentlemen, is frightening on many levels and made her exit even hastier.

So she packed up all of her stuff while he was gone and she got the hell out of there. He’s begging and pleading with her to come back. he wants to marry her and he’ll change, blah blah blah blah BLAH.  I’ve heard it so many times and from so many people. I’ll change and they do, for about a week, and then everything goes right back to the way it was.

I am very proud of her for not putting up with his bullshit. His insecurities, ego problems and other issues. He’s got some things he needs to work out for himself, but it’s better that she’s not around while he does it. I just have to say, and I said this to her, she’s way out of his league. He should be happy she gave him a chance. She was able to see past the height, bad teeth, scrubby appearance to try to get to the heart of the man. There is just so much bad baggage there that will likely always be there for him, especially with her, it makes it difficult to surpass things like that.

She asked me tonite, she said she’d weighed everything, the good things he’d done for her vs the jealous/possessive side and asked me if you really throw out the past six months over something like this. I said, um, yes. Especially when he uses language like that about anyone who touches her. He was way out of his league and he knew it. She said that if she was not with him or at work, he wanted to know where she was and with whom.

I’m no expert on abusive relationships, but I believe I’ve read something somewhere that they start out all nicey nice, and then get all controlling/possessive/jealous and make the spouse/partner feel worthless and afraid to leave because a.) no one else could possibly love them or b.) I will kill you and your family if you do. It’s a tragic and vicious cycle and I am so so very proud of her for not taking his crap and having the wherewithal and the huevos to tell him adios and good riddance. She is such a strong and amazing person. She needs someone who is strong like she is. Who wants to be with her because he’s crazy about her and worships the ground that she walks on, but at the same time has other interests outside of their relationship and can really survive without her, but doesn’t want to. I know she’ll find that person, someday.

Did I mention I’m proud of her? I love her like a sister, I really do. Lele, if you’re reading this, I love you bunches and I”m so proud of you and I’m just praying that sooner rather than later, your prince comes charging up to rescue you from the humdrum everyday life that we all get sucked into and turns everything you’ve known on it’s ear. You deserve that, beautiful lady.

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Who am I to decide?

I am a bad, bad friend.  My best friend in the whole world is a wonderful, beautiful person.  She’s had some really rotten  things happen to her and had her heart really badly broken earlier this year. She still presses on and is not only surviving, but she’s thriving, which makes me really happy.

How am I a bad friend, you ask.  She started dating a guy not long after a really painful breakup earlier this year.  He was a rebound guy, we both knew it.  My suggestion to her was to take some time to be alone, be by herself and let her heart heal and focus on herself for once.  She’s always taking care of everyone else.  She’s a big girl and I know we all have to make the best decisions we can for ourselves.  We have to make ourselves happy because no one else can.

This guy she’s dating is, um, well, not what I would pick out for her.  He’s way shorter than she is, very scruffy, and just not the person I pictured her with. But who am I to determine who she should be with anyway?  I have been leery of this guy and relationship because she was hurt so badly last time and I hate to see it happen again, but she’s a big girl, I’m just trying to be a good friend.

In my stupidity last night, I was exceptionally rude to him, which in turn hurt her.  I have been a narrow-minded, judgemental hag in my thinking of him.  I treated him the same way I was treated, still am treated, by people who are legally ‘family’ by marriage, I acted like he wasn’t even there.  I remember a time in my life when I was much younger these people couldn’t be bothered to speak to me when I was in the same room.  They acted that way towards me at my own damned wedding and I hate that feeling.  That feeling that I’m not worthy of someone else’s time, even just to be polite or civil.

I can make no excuse for my behavior.  All I can do now is apologize and hope my friend will forgive me.  She feels he is the one she’s been waiting for her whole life.  How can I argue with that?  If she loves him, and he her, what’s my problem anyway?  Isn’t that what I wished for her since we became friends ten years ago?  simply because he doesn’t look the way I think her significant other should is an injustice to her.  It shows that I am so petty, I can’t see past the exterior and look at what’s inside, and that’s what really counts right?

So, what would you do? Suck it up and have dinner with them?  I don’t know what my trepidation is all about. I’m in a quandary and really unsure what to do next.  I did send her an email and apologized for being such a rude ASS of a person. But what comes next, I just don’t know.