Confessions of an Unintentional Domestic Goddess

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Did I Really Just See That??

Are you interested in a good laugh for a Wednesday? Read on!

Today I was out running some errands and saw a car that was obviously burning oil. There was a huge grey cloud of stinky smoke coming from it.  I was silently cursing this polluter on 4 wheels. The people who get away with that should be ticketed and impounded. Period. These yayhoos are polluting the air  that I breathe and it really pisses me off.  You can’t tell me this guy has no clue about the smoke screen he’s using to foil his attackers! When it gets to this stage, I think they’re doing it purposely. Almost like the oil spray from the Batmobile to slow down the Joker!

The kicker: it wasn’t an old car. Usually when you see that happening, it’s an old beater right? Not today. It was a Buick I think. Which, right there should tell you the driver was of the geriatric/AARP crowd. No matter how hard Buick tried to hook those of us in the younger demo, it just never caught on. something about driving the same car as my mom. Hmm.

We are coming to a stoplight and he’s in the center lane and I’m in the outer lane. I quickly put my windows up, so as not to be polluted directly. I just have something about putting my mouth on a tail pipe and taking a big deep breath. Call me crazy, I know!

As I’m passing this guy, I see that he is:

     A. what I expected: silver-haired and balding. 

And, here’s the funny part,

     B. knuckle deep mining for some nose gold! Blech!

That’s the kind of thing I would expect from a teenager, not from a grandpa type! As I passed and saw him in my mirror, he continued at it. He was going deep for the big one!  I know the people beside me (and in front of him) probably thought I was insane as i was violently shaking my head trying to get this image out of my mind! Or maybe it was a seizure from the exhaust fumes, I’m not quite sure which it was, but either way, the image was seared into my retinas!

It’s not quite as bad as walking in on your parents getting out of the shower, or catching your friends in a compromising position, but it was not pleasant, that’s for sure! I hope your day went better than mine!

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A Grape, A Wolf, and Chlorine OD

So, do I have your curiosity up? We had a terrific weekend. And I”m glad because that’s probably going to be our vacation for the year. We just got back from Grapevine, Texas (the Grape). It’s a cute little suburb of Dallas, just north of  DFW airport. Amazingly enough, our little jaunt didn’t involve anyone puking (nearly every vacay we’ve taken for the past 4 yrs involved at least one of my children, and sometimes me too, puking.) or becoming seriously injured. I was thrilled! Unless you count the three times the day we left that my daughter inflicted injuries upon herself: 1. finger smashed in car door. 2. skinned back from standing up too quickly in a Mc Donald’s play area. 3. a bruised shin from falling down at the hotel.

The hubs had to go to San Francisco a few weeks ago for work and I didn’t get to go 😦 . So, we  planned a fun family getaway to just have some fun together.   I don’t know about you, my in my house, every single day of summer starts with the words, ‘Can we go swimming today?”. And since we don’t have the luxury of a pool in our backyard, it involves a trip to the public pool, and the expense of a gate fee to get in. And many times, lying on my towel on blazing hot concrete b/c all the chairs are taken. And let me tell ya, when the heat index is 115, that concrete makes me feel like a pizza baking in the oven!

I saw a story on MSN about indoor water parks. Hmmm. That could be fun. And then it got better! I found out there was one only 4 hours from our house. That’s a day drive, easy. So I booked a room for three nights. next time I know better, two nights would’ve been plenty. The Great Wolf Lodge is where we went. It was a beautiful resort, all the furniture was lodge style, family friendly and lots of fun. They have an 84,000 sq ft (I think) indoor water park that includes a lazy river, a wave pool, a fort with all sorts of water cannons, a kiddie pool, and 5 amazing water slides. Three of the water slides are 4 stories tall and the other two are 5 stories tall! Seriously! And if it’s been a while since you’ve climbed 4 flights of stairs, let me tell ya, it’s harder than you remember! But the upside of climbing those stairs all those times, I didn’t feel a bit guilty for having key lime pie at Pappadeaux!

After sitting four hours one day in the 84F humidity that reeks pretty heavily of chlorine, my head was pounding and I couldn’t get it out of my nose! My children spent so much time in the water, my son actually was tired of it and that was a shock! We could’ve spent time in the water yesterday, but he said he didn’t want to. My daughter wanted to go, but was only disappointed for about that long, and got over it. I think we were all ready to come home.

I do have to say though, I felt like a real genius. I had everything packed by the time our kids got home from school on Wednesday.  They didn’t know we were going, so it was surprise to them. We got on the road and two hours later, it hit me. DOH! My makeup bag, including my hairbrush and all my other necessary implements, was hanging on the doorknob of my closet door! Great. My husband was being a smart ass when he asked if I wanted him to go back! Oh well, I’ll be in the water most of the time anyway, and I’m not going to get all made up for that. I had an au naturale weekend.

We visited some of my favorites from my time living there: Einsteins bagels, La Madeleine, and Pappadeaux. And tried a restaurant that I’d only heard about when I was in school there, Babe’s Chicken Dinner House. One of my professors raved about it, but it was a bit of a drive from where I was and I didn’t have the time or the money to go hunt it down. However, since I left there 12 years ago, they’ve branched out and there was a location not far from the Wolf. Oh man, am I ever glad we went! It totally lived up to the reputation! The best fried chicken EVER!!! I never eat the skin of fried chicken, but it was so crispy and so good, I had to! The portions are served family style and the plate of fried chicken they brought out fed my husband, myself and our son for dinner, and then all four of us the next day for lunch!

Now, back to reality. Getting out of bed this morning was tough on all of us, but the kids made it out the door in time, and now it’s time for me to tackle Mt. Pile-o-dirties. I hope you have a fabulous week, I know I’m going to!

I promise, I’ll post some pics soon!

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Ghosts of blizzards past…..

This Snowmageddon, this Snowpocalypse and all the time I’ve spent indoors staring at the walls and watching my children play in it really had me remembering some of the snowstorms of my past. You see, monster snowstorms are pretty rare around here. The one we had this week was really one for the record books and one I hope isn’t repeated any time soon! I just wanted to share some of the more comical moments I’ve experienced.

Late 1980’s: I owned a 1985 Trans Am. And man was I ever cool! I loved that car so much, I washed and waxed it every weekend! Never had I done that before or since! So, since I was in my early 20’s, I could do anything. Really. I’m sure you remember that time in your life. Anyone who told you that you couldn’t do something would immediately regret telling you that because you set out to prove them wrong and do that very thing. I was living with my Aunt who lived in a really beautiful, posh neighborhood in a particularly hilly part of town. And of course her house was in a valley, which required driving nearly straight up to get to the main roads. Yes, it’s snowing, so what? I thought. I was going to go to the mall. There was no reason I couldn’t. Well, except that Trans Ams had exceptionally low clearance and absolutely no traction. I made it out of the neighborhood via the least hilly part, to the nearest main street, and almost immediately faced a steep hill (71st going to Yale). Somehow I managed to get up the hill, but the stoplight at the top prevented me from getting much further. Green light, I attempted to make it up another smaller hill, but got stuck, spinning wheels. A very kind man helped push my car so I could turn around and go home.

That storm continued raging for the next few hours, until my poor car was literally buried in a snowdrift up to the windows. For me to make it to work, I had to walk up the hills in knee-deep snow and wait for one of the salesmen to come and pick me up. Did I learn my lesson then? Are  you serious? Why on earth would I do something like that?

Winter 1991: The Trans Am had been traded for a Grand Am. What is it with me and the ‘Am’ cars? In November of 1990 I moved to LA. Long story, working on a novel. Anyway, when I initially left, I didn’t know how long I’d stay there and only took what I could fit in my car, mostly clothes. Once I decided I’d be there for a while, I convinced my roomie, dear sweet Barbara, a SoCal born and raised gal, to come back with me to pick up more of my stuff. It is a two-day drive in good weather. 1200 miles from LA to Tulsa, straight down I40. The trip back home was uneventful. We loaded up the car and headed west. It was in the day before GPS, smart phones, cell phones or any technology like that. Surely they had radars on the news then, but I didn’t watch it.

Barbara and I set out in my little Grand Am for the two day trek. We stopped in Amarillo for gas and I noticed the temps had dropped quite a bit. Hmm. Oh well, it was just cold and raining, no big deal. We hopped back in and hit the road. It was Barbara’s turn to drive, so I was in the passenger seat when I noticed the ‘raindrops’ were hitting the windshield with a characteristic ‘splat’ that looked more like snowflakes. Crap. We continued on and I noticed the ruts in the pastures were beginning to turn white. I told Barbara my thoughts, but she was ok driving. Until….the snow started to get deep enough there were ruts in the road and the slush was hitting the bottom of the car. I looked over and noticed that Barbara was white-knuckling the steering wheel and asked if she wanted me to take over. With a gasp, she said yes. She was terrified of driving in it!  Barbara was quite a trouper. That day we were able to make it to Albuquerque. And only then did we find out we’d driven thru some really bad snow.

March 1999: March equals spring right? Mostly. It was my last trimester in college in Dallas. We’d bought a house and were moving our stuff from Dallas. It’s a straight drive that is normally 4 hrs door to door. No problem. We had my stepdad’s brand new pick-up pulling a trailer w/our furniture in it. Also in the caravan, my BFF’s from school, Charlanne-another SoCal born and raised gal, Joey-a New Yawka, and Anuschka-my Canadian connection. Charlanne and Joey were in his car and Anuschka was in her own vehicle as well.  The trip was going well, nothing unusual. Once again, we hadn’t seen any weather reports and so were going ahead not knowing what was coming. Do you sense a pattern here?

About half-way there, we stopped at a Mc Donald’s for a rest stop, and it had started lightly snowing. Charlanne was jumping up and down, so excited to see snow, since she hadn’t seen it often in her life. Me, well, I was less excited, but not too concerned, it was only lightly coming down after all. You know, as I’m writing this and thinking about my life, I never thought I was stupid, or naive, but now I’m not so sure!

As we are driving north, the snow becomes heavier.  We were moving right along, no problem, until a genius highway patrolman decided he needed to pullover a Trans Am (what is it about those cars?) in about 6″ of snow, at the bottom of a long steep hill. Guess what, Mr. T.A. couldn’t get his car moving, and then the semi that was behind him got stuck too. Can you imagine? I was so pissed at the idiot cop! As we are trying to make our way up this hill,  we’d had to slow down from the stupid cop, our truck started sliding toward a 3ft deep ditch! Holy crap! Every time we tried to move, the tires would spin and we would go more toward the ditch. All I’m thinking is ‘how in the hell am I going to ‘splain this one?”  Joey saw that we were having problems and he pulled over ahead of us and got out to help. I had picked up bagels from my favorite bagel shop on our way out of Dallas and put those under the tires for traction! Somehow, between the bagels and Joey jumping up and down on the trailer hitch, the truck got unstuck. We finally made it home. The 4 hr trip had become a 6 hour trip. That night, we all sat outside in our new hot tub with snow all around us. That part, at least, was fun.

Can you believe there’s more? Just one more, I promise.

December 2002: We had only just found out we were pregnant with our daughter when my husband’s grandfather became critically ill. We didn’t know how ill he was until he passed away. He was a very sweet man and I”m honored to have known him for the short time I did. His funeral was December 23. All his life, Quentin had been a farmer. The day of his funeral, we woke up to snow. The big fat, fluffy flakes that pile up quickly. It had already been snowing for a while when we made our way to the church for the service. We were in Okeene, Oklahoma AKA podunk/one flashing red-light town. There are more students in our elementary school than there are residents of Okeene. The joke was that the snow was Quentin’s final practical joke on us because farmers hate snow. They can’t work when it’s snowing.

The drive from Okeene to Tulsa is 2 hours door to door. Not far at all. Unless you’re driving in a blizzard. When we left Okeene headed east, it didn’t take long before we were completely unable to see the road at all. We were in farmland and the snow was blowing sideways and I think coming from Kansas! Visibility was terrible and we were creeping along trying to stay on the road.  There were 5 of us in the car. My sister and brother-in-law were in the back seat with our 18 month old son. I was the white-knuckle co-pilot in the front. As we were coming up a short hill, we saw a mini-van that had gone off the road into the center median and the occupants were standing outside the van assessing their situation when behind us, a semi comes barreling along, as if there’s nothing stopping him at all. My husband saw this first, kind of gasped and let off the gas. I couldnt’ figure out what was going on at about the same time the truck literally blew past us and cut in front of us just in time to not hit those people standing in the median.  All four of us literally did not breathe for a minute. I had visions of bodies flying and a sudden need to change my pants! Someone was looking out for all of us then.

The trip took us 6 hours. It’s normally 2. The roads were in horrible condition and didn’t get any better until we hit Tulsa. If I hadn’t been pregnant, I’d have had a really stiff drink when I got home!

Sometimes when I think about these situations, I realize a few things.

Number 1: I am so glad I dont’ live up north and have to deal with this junk on a regular basis.

Number 2: Just like my father-in-law has always said, the Lord looks out for little children and dumb animals, you just have to figure out which one you are.

Number 3: I have been traumatized by those snowstorms and will not venture out of my house in snow unless I”m forced to, not just to go to the mall!

Number 4: I am so ready for spring and so sick of snow, I can’t stand it! The ground hog didn’t see shadow and says early spring, I hope he got right this year!

Now, aren’t you glad you haven’t been with me in snowstorms? I hope this finds you warm and dry and free of snow! Now, I”ll go and look at my beach pictures and think warm thoughts!

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Welcome to Snowklahoma!

since I really have nothing else to do, enjoy a few pics of our blizzard. We have gotten over a foot of snow so far and it’s still coming down! This is our snowpocalypse! Our snowmageddon. We haven’t gotten this much snow in a single day in over 100 years! And the part of it that sucks is the temp: 10F with a windchill of -8. That means I can’t throw my kids out in it! Booo! We’ve got 3 to 4 foot snowdrifts and the entire metro area is shut down. Seriously, the mall is closed. That equals everything, right?  Emergency vehicles are getting stuck. It doesn’t matter who you are, or what you drive, you’re gonna get stuck! Unfortunately, we do not have the equipment necessary to deal with 1 to 2 inches of snow an hour with 35mph winds. Oh yeah, and my hubby’s flight to San Francisco that’s out at 7AM tomorrow, yeah, that’s been canceled. He thought he was going to escape the fun we’re having here!

The view from my bedroom window during a lull in the storm.

The tree in my front yard. The bricks that are barely visible on the left side are two high and completely buried!

Poor lonely playset. It's too cold to be out there now. 😦

It's so deceptive. The sunshine makes it look not too bad. At the time I took this, it was 5F/-1 windchill!

I thought this was really beautiful. It shows how windy it was and how dry the snow is. No snowmen with this stuff!

This is the view out my SECOND floor bathroom window. It's apparently situated just right to catch a wicked drift! kinda creepy!

So, in the meantime, I’m watching a movie with my daughter, making a cross stitch unicorn, washing laundry and thinking of making peanut butter cookies. Oh, and that three foot deep drift in front of my garage door, that is keeping me from going anywhere. Well that and the fact that the roads are a complete mess and I hate driving on crap roads. So, i”m tucked in, drinking hot tea and hanging with my offspring, my pair and a spare. Hope you are all staying warm and dry wherever you are!

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It’s the Little Things That Make Me Happy!

This may sound silly, but I am really excited about the prospect of having some new restaurants in town. Don’t you already have enough? you say. Well, of course we do! We have our own ‘Restaurant Row’ just like they do in Dallas. Literally dozens of restaurants all within rock throwing distance of one another. Oddly enough they all seem to fit into a very few categories: Burgers, Mexican, steakhouse, Chinese buffet.

So, wanna know what I”m all wound up over? More burgers, in the potential form of In N Out. They haven’t even opened the patty processing plant in Dallas yet (a requirement) and I’m ready for a burger! If you haven’t heard of In N Out, it’s a West coast chain. Started way back in the day and they still only have a few things on the menu: burger, fries, milkshake, soda. What’s the big deal? You can watch them cut the potatoes for the fries. And the burgers. OMG they are so good. I can’t begin to explain. And if you’ve had In N Out, you know why I”m so excited!

La Madeleine is another regional chain that will hopefully be making an appearance here in the not-so-distant future. I know, I know. Aren’t there enough chain restaurants already? Well, I don’t think so! Especially when it’s something totally different, like La Madeleine. It’s a country French themed place with counter service food. It’s very cozy and quaint and they have amazing fresh pastries and bread. Not to mention the potato galette! I can taste it already. Along with a fresh quiche, a cup of amazing coffee and a fireplace, I’m a happy girl.

Beer? Oh yes, I’ll have a pint. The Flying Saucer is the other one that’s got me excited. Once again, regional chain. These people come up with these fantastic ideas for new restaurants but it always seems to be in Dallas or LA! The Flying Saucer is one of those funky, eclectic places. They’ve got German food, bratwurst, knackwurst, hot potato salad and about 100 beers on tap. Yes. An entire WALL dedicated to beers from around the world. the place is decorated with plates. On the walls. On the ceiling. On the posts. Saucers, get it. Small plates. They’re all different, probably collected from hundreds of garage sales. Anyway, during the day, it’s a cool restaurant. But at night, it becomes an even cooler bar with live music. You can’t go wrong!

I’m the geek who emails her favorite places, begging them to come to my town.  I sat here one night last week and emailed all of these places and actually got responses, which not only made me happy b/c someone answered my email. But also at the thought of getting some of them here! My suggestion to you, if you go to a restaurant that you like in a different city, send them a note and let them know how much  you like their establishment and they should come to your town! Who knows, it may work! I’ll keep you posted on when/if they make it!

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No New Year’s resolutions for me, I’m trying to cut down.

Ha ha! I know, I know. Every time I make a resolution, it’s gone out the window two weeks in. One of  my friends made a comment on her facebook page that she could resolve to do anything at any time and New Year’s shouldnt’ be the only time she did it, so she was resolving not to make any resolutions. Hmm. Ok. I get it.

Here’s what I came up with a couple of years ago. Rather than making resolutions, I made promises to myself, things I wanted to do better in the new year, or change even. So, in keeping with that, I’ll make my promises now and we’ll see how far I can get with them. Feel free to join me!

I promise to….

be better organized and get my bills paid on time. I really hate getting those nasty notices in the mail.

finally finish that book on parenting so i can be the best mom I can be for my kids. It’s a really great book and will help me not only be a better mom, but eliminate a lot of the stress and yelling that always seems to happen around here.

post all of the recipes I’ve been talking about for so long. And the photos of my gorgeous new kitchen. Really, I do!

get back into my regular exercise routine and stick to it. I have no excuses. On the other hand, I will not berate myself when I eat a piece of cheesecake, but rather get on the elliptical and ‘pay’ for it.

find a better way to de-stress myself than just spinning like a top, that really doesn’t do me any good, and I don’t want to kick my dog. Any suggestions?

Be the best me that I can be. I am not perfect, nor do I believe in the ‘perfect’ anything-mom, wife, friend, sister, etc. which is a good thing, b/c I am far from it, but I will do my best to be the best person I am able to be.

FINISH MY *&%$@ NOVEL! I have almost half of a chick-lit novel finished and languishing on my hard drive. My friends who’ve read it like it and want me to finish it. I would love nothing more than to get published. So, I will set a schedule and stick to it so that I can finally get Eliza’s story completed.

So, now you know my New Year’s promises to myself, what about you? Any resolutions? Promises? What are you going to do differently in the new year? Spill!

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Merry Christmas to all….

I have been a bit MIA of late, and I do apologize. It will be one of my New Year’s Promises to post everything that I’ve been wanting to post. Life has sent me running in circles, chasing my tail of late. I’m hoping that will change after the New Year.

I just wanted to wish you all the merriest of Christmases ever. I hope you are all healthy and well and stay safe during the travel season. Enjoy time with your family and friends. Try not to over indulge too much! or stress out about the ‘perfect gift’. The perfect gift is your presence, kindness and caring toward others. And know that you are all in my prayers.

Merry Christmas and God bless us, every one.

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What were you doing 20 years ago?

Yeah, right, as if! ‘You expect me to remember something that far back?’ you’re thinking. And I hear ya, loud and clear. Normally, my memory is what a friend of mine called ‘half-timers’. No disrespect to those with Alzheimer’s, but I can only remember what I”m supposed to remember half of the time, hence ‘half-timers’.

No, really, I’m asking that question because I just realized what I was doing 20 years ago and it really surprised me.  For a few reasons. First of all, my memory certainly isn’t what it used to be. Most days I can barely remember what I ate for dinner the night before, let alone what happened two decades ago. See above paragraph.

TWO DECADES. Man that sounds like such a long time. To some people it is a lifetime, literally. Others, a drop in the bucket. Me, well, kind of in between those two I suppose.

I realized that twenty years ago, I left everything I knew behind and moved to Los Angeles. Yup. I was 23 and thought I had nothing to lose and no better offers, so why not? I can always come home. Twenty years ago, I spent my first Thanksgiving and Christmas ever away from my family because I couldn’t afford to com home. It was tough. Thankfully, my roommate’s ex-boyfriend’s family took me in. Yeah, sounds like a tv show, huh? They were very kind and shared their holidays with a lonely little Okie girl who was basically an orphan. the fact that they lived in a freaking gorgeous home, I’m talking Better Homes and Gardens gorgeous, in Dana Point (Orange County,on the shore) completely blew me away. I’d come from very humble beginnings and was just floored by how everything was done there. They were not pretentious at all, which was almost what I was expecting.

I still have a difficult time comprehending that 1990 was 20 years ago, I think I’m stuck in a time warp. It still seems like it should be just a few years ago.I’m not saying there haven’t been bumps and bruises along the way. I’ve got plenty of scars to show for those years, physical and otherwise. But even though I’ve been through and done many things that should make my life feel longer, I don’t feel old. I was 33 when my first child was born and I didn’t feel like I was old enough to have children! To this day, I claim 36 and seriously do not feel like I should be as old as that calendar tells me I really am. Unfortunately, my stupid knees joyfully remind me on a regular basis that the mileage on my chassis has not been as easy as maybe it could’ve been! Isn’t that what they say? It isn’t the years, it’s the mileage. some days the mileage feels like all highway. Other days, it’s the 405 in LA at rush hour.

Anyway, I was just reminiscing and thinking of how life-changing that move was and how thankful I am that I had the guts to do it. I discovered that I’m stronger than I thought I was. I can do anything that I put my mind to. People are not always what they seem at first glance. Earthquakes can be fun, especially when they’re small and dont’ cause damage. Traffic in SoCal really is as bad as they say it is. The cost of living in LA is really as insane as they say it is. And, if you have an opportunity to do something, take it. Don’t let once-in-a-lifetime chances pass you by. Never, ever live with regret, life is too short to say, ‘I really wish I would’ve…..’

Now, I will be really worried if the next 20 go by just as quickly. I just want to enjoy my life, my children growing and the next adventure with my wonderful husband. Life is good, I suppose I must remember to slow down and enjoy every day with all of me.

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Try not to miss me too much!

Ah. I am very happy. Why? I have reservations at a Victorian bed and breakfast at a lovely little village in the mountains and I”m kidnapping my husband for the weekend! Yay us! He’s been working exceptionally hard and really needs some time off. The room I booked has a fireplace and a double jacuzzi tub.  The lovely little village we are going to is  Eureka Springs, Arkansas. It’s really very beautiful, very hilly and lush, loads of the painted lady Victorian homes, art galleries, boutiques, restaurants, and relaxation! That’s what I”m talking about, relaxation. Oh, and some conversation without having to referee an argument or answer a call from a distraught employee. Oh, I am already there! So when you don’t hear from me for a few days, I’m enjoying quality time with my honey, the sounds of silence, nature, and some fine Italian food that’s 3 blocks from the B&B. And we may go to the restaurant that is known for its chocolate souffle! Yes, I said, CHOCOLATE souffle! It’s totally to die for! I wish they’d share the recipe, but I won’t hold my breath for that one.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I’ll post some pictures of Eureka when we get back!

Au revoir!

oh, just a quick FYI, if you know me and where I live, don’t even think about it, my very mean sister and vicious dog will be taking care of my house this wknd.

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Here’s Your (Road) Sign

In my previous post, I mentioned my road trip to St Louis. It is a 6 hour drive each way, which is not terrible and certainly not the longest road trip I’ve ever done solo. I guess I’ve hit the age that I really kind of, oh, analyze I guess, the signs I see along the way. Now something you need to know about me, my mind goes on strange little road trips of its own occasionally, and I get these odd, random thoughts. I’d just like to share with you some of the signs, real, live, billboards I saw on the highway that made me go ‘hmmmmm’.

‘Black Market Fireworks’   WHAT? Um, I’m no pyrotechnic expert, but it doesn’t sound like that’s where you would want to buy them. Are they the factory seconds? Have they been smuggled into the country by some unnamed shadowy person or made in a questionable facility? Maybe they’re the ones with only a partial fuse, or have been water damaged and no one knows if they’ll go off.

‘Adult Superstore’  Does that mean they have adults for sale? Any size, shape, color or age that you may want?  The companion to this one is the ‘Gentlemen’s Club’ I’m sorry, but if you’re a ‘gentleman’ you’re sure as hell not patronizing this joint! They should call it what it really is, ‘The place where lonely, creepy guys go to get even more sexually frustrated’

‘Cheese Outlet’  All I can say about this is, EW! Is this the stuff that’s only just a little moldy? Only a day past the sell date? Or maybe it’s the package marked ‘defective’ because a kid took a bite out of one end? You know, I’m what I call thrifty, but I”m not so cheap I think I need to buy my cheese at an ‘outlet’!

‘Walnut Bowls-Factory Seconds’ So, do these bowls sit just a little funny? Maybe they have just  a tiny hole in the side so the soup leaks out slowly?

‘Redneck Tractor Sales’ Ok, I’m just guessing here, and if I’m wrong please tell me, if you’re buying a tractor, there’s a pretty good chance you’re a redneck!

YOU ARE ON A TURNPIKE IN OKLAHOMA Ok, so maybe there’s not a sign that says that, but, chances are, if you are on one of our turnpikes there’s a pretty high likelihood that you’re driving through construction. Also known as ‘one-guy-working-his-arse-off-while-10-guys-stand-around-watching’. The other thing it could be is the orange barrel storage. I have a theory about that, when you drive for miles, and I mean MILES, on a single lane of a two-lane highway  with the other lane blocked off by those freaking orange barrels.  And when you get to the end, guess what! There’s NO WORK BEING DONE! GRRR! That’s one of my big pet peeves! See, my theory is that they don’t have anywhere to store those damned things when they’re not needed, so they just decide to screw with us and put them out anyway! It’s a conspiracy, I tell ya!

This is not a sign that I saw, but many, many moons ago, I drove from Oklahoma to California,  I told you I’ve had much longer road trips! So on this trip, we’re driving thru New Mexico, or maybe it was Arizona I can’t remember exactly, but we were in the desert and had to stop for gas. We pull into this place and I’m feeling kind of like I’m at Hotel California. I go inside to pay (I told you it was many moons ago!) and behind the counter on one side is liquor, hard liquor, and on the other side you have your basic firearms and ammo. Wow! This is a total redneck place! You can get everything you need in one spot! You can gas up your pickup, get the ammo you need to go hunt down some poor defenseless animal, and the bottle of whiskey you need to wash down the manly feeling you get killing said animal. I’m not in Oklahoma anymore, Toto!

See what I mean? My mind just goes on its own little vacations sometimes and I have no control over it! So, do tell, what’s the strangest sign you’ve seen on the road?

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