Confessions of an Unintentional Domestic Goddess

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A Few Simple Rules

on July 15, 2013

Yes, I am still alive and causing trouble! I’m sure I’ve got a new recipe to share, but today, I’m going to share some advice, free of charge! Yes, I know, unsolicited advice is always worth what you pay for it. But I had an experience a few weeks ago that inspired this post. that and a few other thoughts that some people (mainly of the male persuasion) may not really know and/or understand when it comes to dealing with those of us who belong to the fairer sex.

I almost want to quote Elle Whatshername from ‘Legally Blonde’. Remember the courtroom scene when shes’ questioning the daughter who has the terrible perm? ‘The rules of hair care are simple and finite.’ But with maybe one little revision. ‘The rules of speaking to women are simple and finite.’

Are you ready? Take notes if you like, or book mark this page for future reference.

Oh, wait, I almost forgot, the inspiration for my post. So I was shopping, and at the checkout, I looked down to get my card out, and the young man behind the register said ‘Are you a senior?’ I must have given him the ‘you go to hell! You go to hell and you die!’ look because he quickly backtracked, muttering under his breath, ‘nevermind, you don’t look like one.’ Um, look. I know it was time to get my hair done and there were more grays in there than I normally like to have, but I still have more pepper than salt. So, I’m not the sweet young thing I used to be, but I’m not in the nursing home just yet! I’m years, YEARS I say, from receiving my AARP card in the mail. You know, that is just one of the things you don’t say to a woman.

Now that you’ve heard the kind of day I was having, here are the rules:

1. Never ask a woman ‘Are you tired?’, which translates to ‘You look like hell.’

2. Never ask a woman ‘Are you pregnant?’ unless you are 100% sure she is, better to keep your mouth shut, otherwise you may find yourself with a fat lip!

3. Never ask a woman ‘Have you gained weight?’ This needs no explanation. Although, you may want to be out of throwing distance because you’ll likely find a lamp, book, or some other heavy object lobbed at your head.

4. ‘Do these pants/skirt/muu muu/table cloth make my butt look big?’ The only way to answer this, and I mean ONLY way, ‘No honey, they make you look hot!’ ‘No honey, they make you look 10lbs slimmer.’ To simply answer with a ‘No’ or a ‘You look fine’ you should also be prepared to duck from flying objects. Or, you could avoid it all together and say, ‘I’m going to get myself a glass of wine/comb my hair/whatever. Do you need anything?”

5. Never ask a woman ‘Are you feeling ok?’ Once again, equates to ‘you look like hell’. And I can almost guarantee you, if she’s not feeling ill, YOU will be very, very soon.

6. Never say to a woman ‘It looks like you’ve had a long day.’ See numbers 1-3 for clarification.

7. Never come home from work, and ask the wife who’s been home with small children all day, ‘What did you do today?’ In addition to having things lobbed at you, including poopy diapers, there’s a good chance you’ll get daddy duty for many hours in return, most likely with a crying and inconsolable child. Rather, say ‘How was your day?’, and pay attention to her when she tells you what happened. I promise, you’ll be glad you did later, as boring and tedious as it may be at the time, and I’m not talking about feeling like being part of your child’s day, if you catch my meaning.

What to say if you want the day/evening to go well:

Have you lost weight?
What are you doing, your skin is glowing?
Is that dinner? It smells delicious (even if it smells like straight up shit)
Let me take care of the laundry/dishes (better yet, just DO IT w/o saying a word. HUGE brownie points)
Is that a new dress? It looks amazing on you.

Any questions? Oh, and yes, at some point, all of these things have been posed to me. Yes, the results were not pretty, and no, the person who said/asked did not make the same mistake twice.

Oh, and one last thought to leave you with. Never. And I mean N.E.V.E.R say ‘It must be your time of the month.’ Or ‘Is it your time of the month?’ I don’t care if she’s levitating over a bed and projectile vomiting pea soup straight at your head, say this or any version of it, and your reproductive future will be in serious jeopardy, you’ll be sleeping on the couch with one eye open, and you can’t say you haven’t been warned. You can think it all you want, but verbalizing this single statement will get you in more trouble than all of the others put together. Combine it with any of the above, and you’ll have some sort of mysterious ‘accident’ never to be seen again.

That is all. Carry on.

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