Confessions of an Unintentional Domestic Goddess

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For Female Eyes Only

on January 30, 2012

Men, you can consider yourselves warned, if you read beyond this point, you will find yourselves utterly clueless and completely confused. You already know you don’t understand women, this post will only serve to add to that confusion. Or, it could give you some insight. Who knows. But you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

This week in my house hasn’t been the best. My girly has been home for three days w/croup, of all blasted things. I thought she’d outgrown it by now, but that just shows how much I know. Something happened today that got me really thinking, yes, that’s the smoke you saw coming from my house, not the chimney! Men don’t understand this, they’ll never be able to get it, but you do. It’s our secret girl club, that boys can never join. because they smell. and burp. and fart.

Our days can turn on a dime and be made or broken by a few very simple things. Back up, they’re not really simple until you need them or they’re not working for you. Like microwaves, you never realize how much you use it until it breaks down. Oh the horror! Men, like my husband, God love him, with their 10 minute S.S.S. routine to get out the door, simply can’t relate. Although, I do have some male friends who probably take as long as I do to get ready. They get it. sort of.

A curling iron and a can of hairspray can change a girl’s mood almost as fast as the Oklahoma weather can change.

A broken finger nail, uncooperative hair, a run in your hose (when you used to wear them way back in the day) any one of those can ruin your day like nothing else. Having one is bad enough, but if  you had a trifecta, you may as well stay home in bed because your days’ already gone to hell, it’s not going to get any better!

A good hair cut can make you feel like you should be starring in your own reality show and chased by paparrazzi.

A bad hair cut can make you want to hide in a cave until it grows out enough you can get it fixed. Baseball hats become your new best friend. You may even want shave it all off and start again if the cut is bad enough. Don’t tell me you’ve never had that thought, because I totally know you have. I’ve fought the urge to break out the clippers several times in my life. Only the thought of being mistaken for a cancer patient stopped me.

A mani/pedi, margaritas with your bestie, or shoe shopping can cure all ills.  (preferably all together. On the same day.)

Running into the jackass ex who dumped you badly, when you look totally hot, is even better than the mani/pedi/ritas/shoes day.

Running into the ex-best friend who turned into a beyotch over something that was a total misunderstanding, looking like it’s laundry day and you’ve just come from the gym, see broken finger nail/bad hair/run in hose day. Follow with your choice of wine/margaritas/Ben&Jerry’s/Marble Slab.

The easiest way to make a girl’s day. One phrase is all that’s necessary: “Have you lost weight?”

We get cramps, bloating, and mood swings all for the honor of bearing our children. It really is an honor, the bearing part. The rest, well, not so much. And we all know why we are the ones doing the child-bearing….if it was left to men, they’d either die of pain, use duct tape and bubble gum to put on the diapers, or let the babies watch tv all day. No, wait, I take that back. If it was left to men, we’d be extinct. We are tougher than they are. Period. (no pun, really)

Although I do have to say, we are smarter than men. Really. Wanna know why I say that? When we are sick, or know something isn’t quite right, we will go to the <GASP> doctor. A man could have a limb severed, be spurting blood in a 4 ft arc, and still say, ‘No, I don’t need to go to the doctor, it’s just a scratch. I’m alright. All I need is a bandaid and some peroxide.” You know it’s totally true, too!

A good cry, a glass of wine and a bubble bath, well those are almost as good as the mani-pedi day. Better yet, the end of the mani-pedi day, good cry optional.

You see, we are not so complicated, we have very specific things that work to make us happy or not. It shouldn’t be that much of a mystery. If you are a man and are taking notes, please remember this: Forgetting an important day, i.e. birthday/Valentine’s/anniversary is without a doubt one of the worst offenses you can commit against a female. Be prepared for much groveling and spending of cash, way more than you’d originally intended. And that might get you out of the doghouse, at least to the porch anyway.

Tell me friends, did I miss anything?

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2 responses to “For Female Eyes Only

  1. valcitygal says:

    LOL you always crack me up and you nailed it on the head. Again. 🙂

    • Thanks! Except, I realized I left one thing out: crying. When we get really mad, we cry. Then we’re pissed b/c we’re crying and cry more and get madder b/c we’re crying and we don’t want to be crying!

      That and the crying over the stupid Hallmark commercials, or random parts of movies. I NEVER cried at movies til I had children. Must have been something about a switch or something!

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