Confessions of an Unintentional Domestic Goddess

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Who am I to decide?

on November 1, 2009

I am a bad, bad friend.  My best friend in the whole world is a wonderful, beautiful person.  She’s had some really rotten  things happen to her and had her heart really badly broken earlier this year. She still presses on and is not only surviving, but she’s thriving, which makes me really happy.

How am I a bad friend, you ask.  She started dating a guy not long after a really painful breakup earlier this year.  He was a rebound guy, we both knew it.  My suggestion to her was to take some time to be alone, be by herself and let her heart heal and focus on herself for once.  She’s always taking care of everyone else.  She’s a big girl and I know we all have to make the best decisions we can for ourselves.  We have to make ourselves happy because no one else can.

This guy she’s dating is, um, well, not what I would pick out for her.  He’s way shorter than she is, very scruffy, and just not the person I pictured her with. But who am I to determine who she should be with anyway?  I have been leery of this guy and relationship because she was hurt so badly last time and I hate to see it happen again, but she’s a big girl, I’m just trying to be a good friend.

In my stupidity last night, I was exceptionally rude to him, which in turn hurt her.  I have been a narrow-minded, judgemental hag in my thinking of him.  I treated him the same way I was treated, still am treated, by people who are legally ‘family’ by marriage, I acted like he wasn’t even there.  I remember a time in my life when I was much younger these people couldn’t be bothered to speak to me when I was in the same room.  They acted that way towards me at my own damned wedding and I hate that feeling.  That feeling that I’m not worthy of someone else’s time, even just to be polite or civil.

I can make no excuse for my behavior.  All I can do now is apologize and hope my friend will forgive me.  She feels he is the one she’s been waiting for her whole life.  How can I argue with that?  If she loves him, and he her, what’s my problem anyway?  Isn’t that what I wished for her since we became friends ten years ago?  simply because he doesn’t look the way I think her significant other should is an injustice to her.  It shows that I am so petty, I can’t see past the exterior and look at what’s inside, and that’s what really counts right?

So, what would you do? Suck it up and have dinner with them?  I don’t know what my trepidation is all about. I’m in a quandary and really unsure what to do next.  I did send her an email and apologized for being such a rude ASS of a person. But what comes next, I just don’t know.

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5 responses to “Who am I to decide?

  1. valcitygal says:

    Hi there,

    The fact that you want your friend to be happy is awesome and the fact that you were there to support her during the tough times is great too. You want the best for her and worry that she’ll get hurt again. That’s OK – it’s normal to want to protect your friend.

    All you can do is be honest and continue to support her. Even though the guy may not be what you pictured for her, he may be the one to bring her the happiness she’s been searching for. If it works out, you should be glad that she’s found a great guy that really makes her happy. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll need to be there to support her through yet another tough time.

    Your “job” is to support your friend, through thick and thin, and try not to judge her choices (even if they’re not the ones you would make yourself). 🙂 I know it’s easier said than done… But if it doesn’t work out, what she’ll remember is how you stood by her to help her through it.

    Imagine if you were in her shoes – if you were really happy with a new guy after some hard times, would you want your best friend to tell you how much the guy sucked? :-\

  2. drmomx2 says:

    Thanks for your comments. I totally understand where you’re coming from and get it. I guess I realized I have some baggage I didn’t know I had that really needs to be dealt with. I’ve emailed her and apologized again and asked her to be patient with me while I get the cobwebs out of my head so I can be a normal person. You are very right, even though he may not look the way I think her significant other should, that’s no reason for me to behave that way. How would I feel if I was dating someone and his friends didn’t think I was ‘worthy’? Been there, done that, it’s no fun. So, thanks again for your thoughtful comments. I do appreciate it. My mother said once it’s easier to point out the splinter in someone else than to see the tree sticking out of ourselves. If that makes any sense. It’s sometimes easier to look at others, outward rather than inward at our own faults and issues. It’s very true, to look at ourselves critically is not easy.

    Thank you again.

    • valcitygal says:

      I love your mom’s comment: “My mother said once it’s easier to point out the splinter in someone else than to see the tree sticking out of ourselves.” That’s great wisdom right there. I laughed out loud just imagining where that tree is coming out. 🙂

      I hope you worked it out with your friend! Did you ever have dinner with them?

      • drmomx2 says:

        No, we have not had dinner, schedules have conflicted. But I have made peace. I was a jerk to her and him and have profusely apologized and begged forgiveness. She is wonderful and a very forgiving person. She told me that she was hoping that we could casually get to know each other that night, but it was just a crazy whirlwind of a night and it was a very inopportune time for it. I did give a peace offering in the form of home made banana bread. I gave one for her and one for him and her face lit up like a Christmas tree. So…we’ll see. Maybe dinner sometime after the holidays when things quiet down a bit.

        funny that you mention my mom’s comment about the splinter. she’s an ironic one, my mom. She says great, profound things like that, but then when it comes time to notice the tree sticking out of herself, well, she just glosses right past that one!

  3. valcitygal says:

    I’m glad to hear you were able to make peace and hope he turns out to be a great guy for her. Nice touch on the banana bread for each of them!

    Moms must have special trees 🙂

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